Wednesday, February 21, 2007

A Question of Etiquette

The other day I was thinking about all those talk shows like Maury Povich and Jerry Springer where they bring couples in and do paternity tests on the children because there is doubt as to who the father is. First of all, great ground for a show right there. Bring in a young mother, her husband/boyfriend and a potential baby-daddy and things are bound to get interesting.
Inevitably, they do the paternity test and a good portion of the time Maury makes things all dramatic, they have a drum roll or something and he drops this gem on a stunned couple:
YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER! [crowd gasps collectively in shock and disgust!]
Generally the mother becomes overcome with emotion and breaks down in tears, sometimes tearing offstage so she doesn't have to face the crowd and their chants of Slut! or Whore! or something. The guy always looks horrified at first since he has been raising a kid that wasn't his own for two or three years, but here is where my query comes in: what's the etiquette in this situation for this guy?
He just discovered his wife/girlfriend cheated on him and that his child isn't actually his. Usually this doesn't come as a huge shocker to the guy so is he obligated to go console the distraught hooker he was dating/married to or is he good to move on? Could he start hitting on the cute chick in the third row? Does he assault the baby-daddy who ruined his relationship? Does he start swearing and wandering around the stage looking both furious and destroyed (similar to one watching the early stages of the 2006-2007 Celtics)?
What is the etiquette here? I've always been curious. I feel like he is well within his rights to swear and pace the stage and then sneak assault the home wrecker sharing the stage with him. This can be followed by either storming off the set and cussing out the woman you came with on the way out, or making your way into the crowd and searching for a new love interest. Granted I think my opinion is based solely or making for more interesting TV, but I am still curious as to how these situations should play out and what the "right" move is.

Another scenario I encountered that made me incredibly angry at the world and convinced that we are doomed as a civilization: teenage girl talking on a brand new Razor phone, text messaging on a Sidekick all while carrying on a whiny conversation with her mother about how she HAS to have the iPhone when it comes out. Is she for real?
Who could possibly, at 16ish years old need a top of the line cell phone, a phone/camera/computer thing and still feel that her communications needs aren't being met?
Let's not even mention the nose job she'll probably ask for as a high school graduation present once someone has the balls to tell her she desperately needs one and the numerous money that her mother has spent on her own personal plastic surgery.
My conclusion here is that money spoils people and makes them even shittier humans than they already are. Thus as the commercialization of the world raises exponentially with the pollution of it, we should have effectively melted everybody's brain and irreparably destroyed the planet sometime around the year 2100 or so. Naturally this just reinforced my desire to avoid working and live off the bare minimum. To avoid the melting of my brain I would be best off living off of Ramen noodles, water and other people's leftovers. Granted I'll still be a shitty person, but it won't be because of money spoiling me, oh no. I've earned my shitiness.


Bloom said...

I've decided that if I'm working in Lancaster this summer, I'll drive your broke ass to Lancaster so you can live off my couch. I'll even feed you Amish food if you'd like. The good thing about you there is that someone will eat all my food (just like Skye did last summer) and I'll be forced to lose weight. Trust me, this will work.

Christopher said...

I sense a lot of negativity in this blog

Andy Bons said...

yeah as if the all black template wasn't warning enough...

Cleveland said...

Jeez, what a bunch of negative nancy's...